Miss She

“When Prophet Moses was asked to liberate the Israel people from the slavery of the Egypt King, legend says that as Moses threw the wand into the Red Sea, the sea, quite contrary to the expected miracle, did not divide itself to leave a dry passage for the people. Not until the first man had jumped into the sea, did the promised miracle happen and the waves recede.

Dance With The Sun.

It pays to pass through this world, with a “Positive Mental Attitude”, or PMA.

God made you for a reason; you have a job to do that no one else can. Beautiful are the words of cardinal Newman : “God has created me to do him some definite service; he has committed some work to me which he has not committed to the another. I have my mission.”

Come out of the smoke, the world is tossing in its sleep, the Sun is up, the land is bursting in the silence of dawn.

Always look forward to the changes and chances of your life in hope. Remember, God whose you are, will deliver you out of them. The same very God who cared for you yesterday, is caring for you today too, and will continue to take care of you tomorrow and everyday. Just be at peace.

It costs so much to be a full human being that there are few who have the enlightenment and the courage to pay the price. - Morris West

Embrace the world like a lover.

“Aasmaan, Mirreekh tak jaane ke baad
Chaai ki dukaan lagta hai mujhe” -  Irtiza Nishat

Translation in English :

“The sky, after having danced on Jupiter

Appears but a tea-stall to  me !!”

Keep that lovely smile dancing with the Sun and the Stars, and focus on what you want to be and to do.

And trust me, believe me, your life is really beautiful. Yes it IS !!”

Above words were written to me by your very own blogger, Miss Ilashree Goswami alias Miss Purple, in my bluest days of life.

We studied together for just two classes, but she never allowed friendship tp peter out.

Yesterday, she told me she’s been unable to post the blog since a couple of  days. She reasoned it to low internet connectivity. After slowly and so patiently with this girl, I uncapped the truth. Her net isn’t down, rather her life needs a cheer-up roller coaster ride.

She asked me, if I could post something on the blog for her readers, I hesitated, considering the sad writer I am. But, I agreed later. Last entire night I was mulling over what could be apt for her readers taste.

But in all, my mind was anxious about her smiles. She has a million smiles, but there is this one in particular that I can even hear in her voice over the phone. It is so playful and forward, and derisive and sincere, and enigmatic and assertive and a thousand other paradoxical things all at once. But, its been missing now. And in moments I drifted in flashback. This 17 year old girl, back then, gave me such incredible strengths and reasons to keep moving , and moving better and best, when the clock was hostile in my season.

I remembered a personalized card she had given me, with an enclosed letter. Then, huddled up in one corner of my cupboard, with some old porn CDs, and some other jammy things of my ( a part of my first bat with which I hit a half-century, my black lucky sock whose other pair went missing long back, and…..), I found that letter. I read it, and I knew it is just the right thing to be here, still brimming with positive energy, concern and love.

So I dedicate this one to her. This is all for you my Empress Ilashree. I hope you do not forget what you taught me.

Everything will be the way just as YOU want it to be. BELIEVE, that’s it.

20^th April 2009, Ilashree WILL be able to convince the committee of her innocence.

You will be honoured with your BMM degree in 2010 itself.  You will appear for your third year BMM final exams in the year 2010, with your other batchmates.

You are the God’s favourite child. God loves you, REMEMBER !!

And , oh ! I take proud in presenting you this, “Honest Blogger Award. “  Yey, smile louder baby , it should ring in my ears here !

I remember when I was some five years, my Papa asked me to fetch some stuff from a nearby shop. Back then, I was a pretty shy girl and I used too hate my father for not ‘respecting’ my shyness. ( He always wanted his kiddo to groom into a beautiful-brave girl .)

So he asked me to go, and I made a bad face, and he made an even worst face to me. Hence I went. I returned with some wrong stuff, at which my Papa asked me to go back and exchange it. I felt really irritated, and said, ‘I will not. Shopkeeper might just shout at me.’

Papa then wrote something on a piece of paper and asked me to hand that to the shopkeeper. I took it with half heart, and went.

Inquisitive as children are, I too opened that page. And to my amazement it wasn’t written in Hindi or English. I was very much comfortable with English and Hindi words then, and could clearly read Children’s Bedtime Stories to self. So I thought Papa is making a fool of me, and I returned home midway.

I told Papa, that he shouldn’t make me do this funny thing, and he laughed and said, ‘Its Urdu’. I didn’t believe his words. So he raised his voice and lo I went. And I was relieved to find out that my Papa wasn’t lying, cause the shopkeeper actually could make sense of that language.

That time, I felt, if only I too knew Urdu, I could have made out what Papa wrote to the shopkeeper.

But then, from age five to age nineteen, I wonder if I ever even remembered this incident save tonight, that too while pondering over the introduction of this write-up.

Nevertheless, this is the oldest incident that I can recollect, owing to my deep thirst for Urdu literature, and particularly Urdu Poetry or ‘Nazm’.

So here it goes followed with an English translation:

PORTRAIT OF A PROSTITUTE by Your Highness, ‘Gulzaar’

Khet ke sabze mein besuudh si padi hai dubkiEk pagdandi ki kuchli hui adhmui -si - laash Tez kadmoN ke tale dard se karaahti hai

I was standing all nude, just as one would under a really late night head-shower, and my mind was pregnant with a morass of emotions. Questioning every slightest bits of my life, I was so deeply lost. The way things have been working out in my life, specially since some past two years. And then there’s so much, I was questioning, and answers , there were hardly any.

But know what, soon later, after a really prolonged shower, and loads of sneezes that followed, I gathered that I am actually living the best time of my life.

Yes, I REALLY am. And I am so glad that I realized it, before it would have slipped.I mean, I’m just 19[nineteen], and I have a life completely of my own. I live far away from my parents and siblings, in this city , where I have come to pursue my studies and make a career of self. And so many a times I have thought, what would happen, if God forbids, in the wildest times, I don’t manage to fetch even a single job after an year, when I’d have graduated with proud in Mass Media. Or what if …. And what if that… and so many ‘what if’s’ just fog my emotions.

But then I realized, ain’t I building my future in my present?

I very much am. I am all by myself for some next two months. My roomie, she’s hardly home, so I kind of get the whole personal space. Even the one wherein I apply nail-paints, with nothing on, but my own skin. I scream anytime, and sometimes talk to the lizard on the wall, and sometimes even freak out at cockroaches. I dance at whatever time I want to. There is no one getting disturbed with the feet-beats , because there in noboday at home. I get up at whatever time I wish to. I sleep without worrying to having to go to college or work the following day.I have nothing pending in my wall stick-ons, and I am so much myself, everyday.

Still, why then I ask Lord that give me a better life. I am stupid. Not anymore. I have realized, that this time will never come back. This personal space, this time of ‘nothingness’ yet of ‘everything’. So I have decided to make the BSET of it.

I am looking forward to making a daily tasks schedule, and devote the maximum time to my writing and scripting.I have realized, and something compels me deeply to a belief that one of my best movies would be on the story-rolls I will be creating in the next two months.

It’s a life full of time, full of opportunities. And I know, I can and I WILL make the maximum of it. Amen.

To all of you too, just stop cribbing on whatever you make that gross face. REALIZE, the time you have now, will never be back, and its the best in its own special ways. Live every moment, and keep a builiding brick on the palace of your future, Whatever you do today, will count in making your future.

Late night phone talks, and that clubbing, hope you know where that would land you. And also how a rainbow in Virginia Islands would be painted for you, if you self-enrich yourself each day on any matter on this planet.

Life is beautiful. Conditions Apply.

It seems I have all the time in the world now, and also suddenly I feel I have grown rich.
Reason : I am fasting for some days, little in the name of Lord and more for selfishness.

Anyways, so the thing is , I am done with my exams. Office is supposed to resume from somewhere April 26 or so. And the worst or best ( whatever ), I am in Mumbai itself and not in my native city, Lucknow.
I mean, I had a train off to it today. My reservation was confirmed too, but then, for some stupid reasons, I just didn’t go.

Whatsoever, mummy shouted like anything. And here’s the funniest part, she thinks, I am going around with someone here in Mumbai, and that’s perhaps the reason of my cancelling my trip to Lucknow !! Well, cool, I know this is what the way mum’s are, but nooooooo, why does she need to make a hype of everything!

Let it be. I don’t care much anyways now. And as it is, I am fasting, I don’t have the energy to retaliate and convince her, or give her any explanations.

But hey, one positive thing of fasting in my case is that, my friends are really happy with me. As now, I seem to have all the time in the world. I don’t have to bother of what to eat, when to eat and a lot of other ‘hogging’ stuff. So I get a good amount of time to reply to my friend’s messages. And the best, I reply by texting them nowadays, and not calling up; cause I feel so drained after every phone conversation during fasts !

And voila, am saving good cash too this way. I guess, I can now shop more.
Yay !!

You are studying hard
For the tomorrow’s exam
Suddenly your phone rings
So much of syllabus is left
But then you pick up the call
The call you see is of your ex
Now you feel like rejecting it
But then the syllabus is bugging
So you re-think about rejecting
Ex is better than college exams
So you take his call
But you promise to self
To hang up within some 10 minutes
But ouuh, its almost 30 mins already
He is talking all nonsense
Of the days he had with you
How much he loved you
And howsomuch now he wants you back
He apologizes for having dumped you
But now he has reaized your worth,
Or so says he
So he asks you out for a coffee
You don’t want to, not between exams atleast
So you royally fake a boyfriend tale
He is shocked that you have a boyfriend
And you are shocked that the conversation
Strectched for more than an hour now
Its time you should hang up
But you don’t want to
Still, you do cause its exams time
And an ex is no good to talk to
So once again you royally fake up a new tale
“Ouuh, Ouuh, my boyfriend’s calling up
I will catch up with ya later”
Byeeis! And lo and behold, beep, beep
Now you should be studying
But you are not
Because of that dummy phone call
You mind is lost
Your memory has reeled to the past
And you think of the days you’d had with him
And then suddenly you realize
You are so much single still
Then you realize your birthday is coming
And that you have no one to surprize you
So you just slug up under that cute pillow
The thoughts are disturbing and irriatting
And before they eat the heaven out of you
You make a call to your best friend
“Hey, Ocean what you doing?”
“Ofcourse studying !!”, pat comes the reply
“Ouuh oohh! okies !”
So you hang up here
But,halt,you get a message
Its from some old friend
Then you realize of its gravity
Not the friend, but messaging thingie
So now instead of calling people
You start sending rubbish stuff to them
And so sometime passes
And then realization of sleep dawns
And you get curled in the bed
Then your phone buzzes again
You hate your better half (phone)for this
Cause you were having a lovely time
With your ‘Shehzaada’(dream-boy) in your fairyland
And this dummy piece shrieks the morning alarm
And before your Shehzaada could kiss you
Your cellphone shatters your romantic dream
But ouuh, what the fuck
Its 4:30 am
And you slept without studying
Now you literally worship the same cell
For having got you up
And now what are you reading the poem for
Its over
Nothing more
You keep the phone
And start studying
Without understanding
To curse your better half
Or worship your saviour !!

     Things were turning way better than she’d expected in her life. WONDER!! She halted her heart at life’s entrance. Death was smiling. She wanted to live this time. The blade echoed, “Pick me up if you want him to live”. The dark crimson blood was flooding out of her cheeks…..TRANCE! Yeah! She was in a sorrowful stupor. She felt him near her…..an imaginary touch of his fingers on her cheeks quenched her soul….she was fainting…..she smelled his absent body…..she lay in a miasma….she tasted his tongue on her lips …..she was dying…..she squeezed all the scrunched strength from her body and opened her eyes….he was standing there…..just like always….arms wide open…..smiling as usual, innocent….. hair ruffled in carelessness…..eyes carrying an unfathomed mystery…..he was standing there…..arms wide open for his ‘priceless possession’…..she smiled…..and death hugged her…..

     “Ma’am, your hot chocolate.” “Ah! Yeah!” The coffee-boy placed her order on the table. It smelled the same; exactly the kind she had had with him on their last meeting. She stared through the haze of hot chocolate.

     “You’re cordially invited to the marriage of Mr. Shahz Shaguft and Ms. Meera Karmic on April 5, 2009. Venue…..” The card slipped from her hands. She left the letter box open and slowly sauntered inside her house.

    “Hey sweetheart, I hope you’ve received the wedding card…..Chocolate, be there from 1st itself at my place…..You gotta help your friend out honey! Mwaaaaah!” The answering machine gelled grief on her frozen heart.

     The water was cold. She didn’t use geyser tonight. Water drops trickled through her hair. She soon vanished in the pelting of shower drops on the marble floor.

     She is with him. It is raining beautifully. It feels awesome. So romantic! Rains have always turned her on, and it was him too today with her. He sang “ I just called to say I love you”. He’d sing it often for her. She just couldn’t handle the emotions…..smooch…..whisperings, “I love you Purple”.  “I love you Shahz, I just love you a lot”…..wild smooch. Raindrops play enchantment in love.….his wet fingers tickle her waist, slowly rekindling every cell in her skin…..creeping beneath her drenched dress they leave a sensual feel everywhere they touch…..STRIKE!! There’s lightening in the sky…..

     She revives from her reverie; comforts her body in the bathing gown.  Did she cry or are these shower drops? She checks in the mirror.

     “I love your eyes. They provoke me.”

     SHATTER!! She hit the perfume bottle against the mirror. Enough is enough. Why can’t she forget him? Love? Do you really think it is love? Its 2009, think again, emotions, love, feelings, can they be so deep? Ah! Yeah! It’s just a phase, mood swings, heartbreaks and all you know.

      “You’ve received a message.” She checked her cell phone with shivering fingers. Cold bath you see! “Your message memory is full” She browses through 131 messages to delete some…..

     “…..right now at home…..watching a movie and during breaks I watch your pic, missing you. Mwaaaaah”- 14.6.2007 01:04 hrs

     “My concert just finished…..wish you were there…..anyways I am very happy today…..kissess…..yours and only yours Shahz”-13.5.2008 23:41 hrs

     She’d saved each and every message of his. Not a single message in the inbox was from any other number but his’.

     “Presently I love you very much because of the person you are. But marriage would be too hard to be possible. All I want is for you to be happy. Tin Tin J” 23.10.2008 14:23 hrs.

     It was the breakup message. But he loved her, she knew it. She still let him go. She trusted her love.  Unlike his explanation, her love wasn’t feeble to lay at destiny’s clemency, and she stuck to it even without his physical presence.

     He grew sad; lost a friend. “Insecurity of losing love makes you lose the friend in them. But the insecurity of losing the friend in them makes you mistakenly fall in love with them”- 25.10.2007 10:32 hrs.

     She agreed to remain friends; she’d smelled solitude in his soul.

     “BEEP BEEP. Message memory is full.” She threw the mobile and caught up with some sleeping pills and tried hard to think nothing.

     TRIIIIING. TRIIIIING. She suddenly woke up. Someone was on the door. Her head was aching hard. She got up holding her head in her feminine fingers.

     “Where have you been? Oh my God! You don’t look fine. Everything all right?” Shahz questioned pressing his fingers with caress on her cheeks. “Yeah! Fine. Just headache. But how come you are here?” “ Wow!! You weren’t answering a single call. Neither did you reply to any voice messages since two days…..” “Two days??” “Yeah! Two days. Are you having fever Purple? I hope you know today is 2 April.” Oh! So she’d been asleep for whole one day!

     Today she was dressed like a bride. Dressed to kill! She flowered the couple consistently while the Panditji was chanting shlokas (religious recitations) for ‘saath phere’ ( seven religious circumferences, in front of Mother Fire, to vow a marriage till Eternity).

     Both of them must be alone right now. After all, it’s their first night of marriage. He’d be lost in her eyes. She would have kissed him all over, bit his ears, he loved it.

     “How come you failed to notice her?” Police enquired the coffee-boy. “Sir, she took the corner table facing the sea. I placed my order and went. After some time I saw her head down on the table. I thought she’s waiting for somebody. Almost after three hours I went to her. And I saw blood all over the table. Her hair smeared in blood and her cheek, there was no cheek, an excruciating concave sight instead of it, all sliced callously with blade.”

     “She is dead”, coming out from the ICCU, the doctor informed the police.

     “Close the file Edison! It’s a clear suicide case!”

*****

The snow on the Alps is melting

The bodies in the grave are melting

The ice in the wine glass is melting

The birds in sheltered embrace are melting

The mystery in oceans is melting

The leaves in Sun’s warmth are melting

The romance in the November rains is melting

The enchantment of pleasure is melting

The Christmas Eve in carols is melting

The moments of my life are melting

The tears in my eyes are melting

The heartbeat of a lover is now melting

But I wonder,

What will it take for you to melt me in your arms…..

I was watching ‘Titanic’ on my laptop, when my phone rings. I don’t usually take up unknown numbers, but this one resembled my brother’s new number which I hadn’t saved in my cell. So I just answer the call. This is how the conversation goes.

Male voice: [Faintly] mm….Purple…?

Me: Yup, Purple, here who’s it?

Male voice: Heyyyy!! [Loud and excited] Its me girl!

Me: Me? Who me? [Confused, and otherwise irritated just like that]

Male voice: [Acting naughty] Ouuh so you already forgot my voice !! Okay let me give you the chance to guess. Guess who am I ?

Me: Listen, whoever you are, if you want to tell me your name, its cool, else get lost. Cause all those who know me, they know, I don’t like all this stuff. [Real rude]

Male voice: I don’t like this . I don’t like that. When I say ‘No’, it means ‘No’, and when I say ‘Yes’ it means ‘Yes’.[He mimicked my phrase] Isn’t it? Dumbo! Its me Faiz.

Me: Faiz…… [trying to recollect]

Faiz: Purple. You forgot already. Faiz from school.

Me: [recollecting everything clearly] Ouuh yeah, I do. I do. How you been doing?

Faiz: Am very fine. How’s you. Don’t sound pretty good. Everything cool.

Me: Ouuh yeah, very cool. How did you get my number but?

Faiz: Took it from Simran. I just barged in her yesterday. Had a gala time. I asked if she’s in touch with you still, and she gave me your number.

Me: Ouuh okay! [ Simran was about to have a good ‘slang’ stuff from me!! 

Faiz: So tell…..

Me: (interrupting) Hey Faiz. I am kind of busy right now. I’d give you a call later. You take care. Okay. [cold and plain]

He: Ouuh yeah! Sure. Bye.

Me:….beep….beep [I didn’t even say bye.]

I get really annoyed when out of the blue random people from your past call you up. Okay Faiz isn’t some random guy. I kind of had a crush on him. He too liked me [his friends told me so.] Nevertheless, after grade XII, we never stayed in touch. I heard he went for marine engineering or something rubbish. But whatsoever, how does that matter to me after whole two years now !

I have always failed to make sense of this. Why do people, after some almost a year, suddenly call you up. And the worst, they ask, ‘How you doin?” Wow! As if, if I am behind bars or may be infected with some chronic disease, would you turn up here exactly now and help me out. No na ! So just stay shut. I can’t ever fake emotions. I don’t want to rather. So if I don’t feel like talking to someone, I point blank tell the person.

Suddenly my cellphone rings. “You gotta message.”

“When you feel as if you are a stranger to your own soul, nostalgic in your own home, ‘don’t worry be happy’ and remember to laugh your troubles away; for laughter is the best medicine.”Purple in grade IX, on the summer of March 14, 2003. School Assembly.

Someone your’s – Faiz.

Ouuh, damn!! I was shocked reading that. How did he remember all that? And the dates too. Should I weep, or smile. I couldn’t make out. But I did really feel sorry for my stanch replies to him. I promptly messaged him back, “Thankyou. Really sweet of you, and so rude of me. Will call you back soon dearie. Enjoy!! And thanks once again, Faiz.”

Now I know, why do all of a sudden, out of nowhere, exit characters make a come back in our lives. Perhaps, this is God’s way of telling us that, there are many who love you. Time’s slap can just rip you apart, but the knot of emotions always is a strong bond.I feel good to know, that many people love me. Recently, I turned down a lot of friends, but then life introduced me to some good one’s too. It always feels so relieved that I am special to God. I have always been. My life, its been so different than the rest, hence I know, I am His favorite child.

Thankyou so much Lord for your silent omens of love and care. Thanks so much for being with me always. For giving me such wonderful people around me. I know, no matter how hopeless my fight may seem, some people I can always hold onto. They say, when you cry, you cry alone. But I know, I have many to sing songs for me, fetch me chocolates and just do so much to cheer me up. As I write this tears roll down my eyes. I never realized that how much a lovable being am I. Today I am thankful to each one of you.

Thanks a lot everyone.

***SMILES**

[P.S: In the above pic, are : Viks[Amrit], Jay[Jayesh] and Me[Ilashree]. I chose this pic ,cause it was taken on a day when I had actually left my home shifted somewhere else; but these two nutcracks gave me some brains and held me back. Viks literally cried. I never knew he could cry too!! He’s such a flirtatious, cool, stupid guy. But oouh he cried. I still remember everthing clearly. I had actually shifted my whole stuff in a new accomodation, just had not paid the rent. And at the eleventh hour, these freaks came, emotionally blackmailed me and got the whole stuff back to my home. Ghosh! They love me so much. Been with me ALWAYS. Thanks so much Jaana. Muuaaaah. ]

Little girls, rosy cheeks. Inquisitive eyes, chewing mud. Tiny fingers, long jumps.

Teenage girls,  transforming breasts. Chipped nails, midnight calls. Lovely music, stained panties.

Married women, dejected moans. Emerald eye-shadow, dark circles. Hungry babies, empty pillows.

Old women, lost identities. Wrinkled experiences, holy narratives. Longing eyes, tired life.

Woman, used and misused

Woman, worn and dumped

Gambled and lost

Penetrated and punished 

Woman, who procreates Woman, who is barren

Who loves

Who accepts rejection

Woman, who loves rain but can’t help the visible wet bra.Woman, who wants to hug her married brother but can’t ignore her sister-in-law’s words. We are loyal, and sometimes bitches. We are loyal, cause we have a heart. We are bitches, cause we again have a heart, and a helpless life.

We may be in any part of the world, but we all still are the same. We all love, and long for love, silently……

Touch.

Is this your touch ?

Or I say,

‘Tis virtue !

Smell.

Is this your smell ?

Or I say,

‘Tis love !

Feel.

Is this your feel ?

Or I say,

‘Tis paradise !

Smile.

Is this your smile ?

Or I say,

‘Tis twilight !

Poetry.

Is this your poetry ?

Or I say,

‘Tis Reflection !

Sorrow.

Is this your sorrow ?

Or I say,

‘Tis solitude !

Muse.

Is this your muse ?

Or I say,

‘Tis life !

Kiss.

Is this your kiss ?

Or I say,

‘Tis chastity !

Smooch.

Is this your smooch ?

Or I say,

‘Tis divinity !

She.

Is this your ’she’ ?

Or I say,

‘Tis us !

Baby.

Is this your baby ?

Or I say,

‘Tis wholesomeness !

Name.

Is this your name ?

Or I say,

‘Tis Quran !

Heart.

Is this your heart ?

Or I say,

‘Tis Allah(God) …..